Those Moments You NEVER Forget.

Ryan was kind enough to send me some pictures tonight that he still had on his phone, which makes me so happy after that fight we had a while back...He and I have this BAD habbit of um...well...Erasing the other from the picture when we fight. The first time he and I ever fought I took all the pictures I had of us together or of just him...And I went out back, and I dug a little hole, and I put the pictures in the little hole, and then...I lit them on fire. After that I went back inside and threw his birthday gift (Smelly good stuff) at the wall.

We have a very passionate relationship you see, when we love it's with a fire that burns the night sky, and when we fight we hate with a force that could make the Gods fall from the Heavens.

I love that boy so much though.


Anywho, he sent me pictures cause, being my sweet love that he is, he knew I needed a good cheering up. It made me smile. A while back, we had this BBQ, and it was just him, Aaron and I because...No one else matters? LoL. It was the BEST though. We watched Dirty Love and laughed and we made stake and OMFG, I made brownies but Ryan was all "I want them now" and I was all "They aren't done!" and he was all "You didn't even set the timer, I bet they're done." and I wad all "Whatever" so I went and got them out and SURE ENOUGH they weren't done and the middle was SUPER gooey but...They were still sooooo good.

Then there was this other time where the three of us were at Taco Hell...Cause again no one matters....And we were just being FREAKS, and started taking pictures, and having fun, and I miss my boys so much it makes my heart ache.




So, we've got me making the Yummy brownies! Haha, then he was licking the "pan" which wasn't really a pan it was this rubber thing with cups for like...cupcakes I guess and that's what we cooked it in...It was awesome lol. Then, you know you're cool when you can act emo in Taco Hell.

Then, he and I got all lovely dovey, cause it's what we do and went all "I'm gonna sing to you!...through text!"ness on each other lol...The songs? Only some of the best ever.

The Way I am. It's so our song.

Come on, this is Ryan and I all the way! Get a little drink in us and you'll see us lock lips. "I hope my boyfriend don't mind it" COME ON! Like Aaron cares lol.

THEN!! Oh yes, tonight was just full of fun! THEN Heidi and I decided it was time to start getting ready for the babies we'll be having with Ryan and Aaron lol. It was awesome, we've got names and everything.


x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:02:32 AM): heck yes, just picture it, the four of us with the most kick ass kids ever
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:03:25 AM): Heck yes!!! and the Scrub nurseries!!!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:03:36 AM): YES!!!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:05:23 AM): One boy, and one girl, and they'll grow up like turk and JD, well...ok so the sex doesn't matter cause they'll grow up like JD and Turk no matter what but they'll be smart, and funny, and they'll be singers and music lovers and actors, and dancers, and doctors, and anything they damn well please, you can teach them to play piano, and i'll teach them bass, and everyone will want them to be theirs
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:06:11 AM): YES!!!!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:06:20 AM): but they'll be ours, and rockers and lovers, and peace bringers and party planners and they'll change the world in ways we never could, but always dreamed of and they'll love like it's all they have, and love who ever they want without fear and..and...and it will RULE!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:07:06 AM): OMG OMG OMG!!!!!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:08:10 AM): we'll teach them to be themselves, to never change who they are for someone else, to live life because they want to, not because someone told them to, they'll find the beauty in all the little simple things and laugh at anyone who tried to bring them down, because they'll know that in the end the only person who can bring them down is themselves, and they'll never know what it feels like to have a
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:08:40 AM): parent who doubts them, or beat them, or lie to them, or hide things from them, they'll always know love, and trust and hope
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:08:47 AM): yea...yeah lets so do this lol
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:09:07 AM): Dude, I'm totally up for it..
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:09:12 AM): heck yes!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:09:36 AM): now we need names, i know the ones i like lol, Jude. I have to have a Jude.
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:10:15 AM): lol I wanted Maximus. Max for short... HAHA!!!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:10:53 AM): That works, Jude and Max, both names have strong history behind them, and meaning, and they aren't common
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:11:10 AM): But I've always wanted a sophisticated girl's name... Like Elizabeth, althought it's kinda common. And I've always like Jadis.
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:11:43 AM): I like both those, Elizabeth or Isabella, and I really like Jadis
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:12:32 AM): October Sky
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:12:42 AM): for a name? or the movie?
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:12:42 AM): call her Toby for short.
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:12:50 AM): the na,e
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:12:52 AM): Omfg, that'd be awesome
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:13:01 AM): name* I forgot about the movie... lol
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:13:20 AM): yeah but the movie is awesome lol, and that would be a kick ass name
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:13:32 AM): The movie is great!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:13:53 AM): Amelia
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:13:53 AM): so awesome, and it's not like people can make fun of her for having that name because the movie ROCKS
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:14:02 AM): ohhh yeah Amelia
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:14:05 AM): Dude, I agree!!!! lol
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:14:11 AM): Ehprim, i LOVE that name
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:14:28 AM): I have NEVER met someone by that name... so good!!!!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:15:26 AM): oh oh or aiden, i duno why but i like that name alot
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:15:39 AM): I LOVE AIDEN!!!!!!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:15:44 AM): The BAND and the NAME!!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:15:55 AM): YES!!! It's a double wammy!!!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:16:02 AM): HECK YES
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:16:18 AM): I love Aurora. Because it's sleeping beauty
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:17:06 AM): Oh heck yes, that's why I love Isabella, cause Bella, Bell...Beauty...Yeah lol. We should so do Princess movie names, like name her Aurora Isabella
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:17:24 AM): OH MY Gosh...
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:17:30 AM): That's perfect...
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:17:36 AM): It fits so well!!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:18:10 AM): it does, surprisingly
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:18:19 AM): it's a sign.
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:18:31 AM): Agreed..
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:18:48 AM): this is fun lol
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:20:41 AM): lol it is.
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:21:07 AM): I like Harlow
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:21:11 AM): I know it's Richie's and Madden's daughter's name... But I really like it!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:21:29 AM): Omg, I love that name too, I was so pissed when they named her that cause I wanted to use it lol
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:21:55 AM): I KNOW
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:22:11 AM): damn them, cause you know now EVERYONE will be using that name
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:22:35 AM): Matthew Mconehey's (SP) bro named one of his kids Miller Lyte..
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:22:51 AM): Omfg haha no way!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:22:57 AM): WAY!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:23:01 AM): What about Atlantis?
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:23:08 AM): how fucked up is that, but so funny lol
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:23:12 AM): ohhh that'd be a good one
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:23:41 AM): Ayla?
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:23:55 AM): ohh yeah thats a good one too
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:24:08 AM): yeah.
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:24:38 AM): I like Ryen for a girl. lol
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:24:55 AM): She could be like a Jr lol.
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:25:06 AM): lol exactly
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:25:44 AM): I really want an Irish name, i've been looking them up, and the meanings cause I really feel a child's name should have meaning behind it
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:26:18 AM): You know, I looked up a bunch of Irish names when I was writing this story about fairies and Leprechauns.
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:26:34 AM): anything good?
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:26:45 AM): Don't remember. lol It was like freshman year.
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:27:16 AM): omfg, did you know aiden is irish? and it's little firey one, tell me that wouldn't be perfect for any boy we ever had, they'd be the most hyper, awesome, demon type child ever
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:27:35 AM): I think I knew that... But YES YES YES!!!!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:27:37 AM): PErfect.
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:28:04 AM): lol, how freaken awesome
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:28:13 AM):
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:28:35 AM): I know this is really geeky of me, but Bellatrix.
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:29:24 AM): heck no that isn't geeky, that's perfect! cause it's got bell in it too....lol i got a thing for bell sorry, plus, how many damn kids have that name? and it'd fit the child well i'm sure
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:29:59 AM): lol True. But Bellatrix... Ah. I love the sound of it...
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:30:10 AM): cause it's an awesome name!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:30:29 AM): No joke
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:30:47 AM): that one has to go on the list
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:31:16 AM): it's already there.
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:31:36 AM): My dear, i'm afraid I have to retire for the night. i have to get up in 3 hours.
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:31:54 AM): *sigh* fine fine, just leave me, yet again!
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:32:14 AM): Oh hush, I'll talk to you tomorrow!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:32:32 AM): yeah yeah, FINE!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:32:37 AM): *sigh*
Beautifully Tragic (6/24/2008 2:32:56 AM): You WILL live. lol Goodnight!!!!!
x_xtisheryx_x (6/24/2008 2:33:06 AM): lol night

See....This is what happens you have lack of sleep and kick ass friends like mine. We have the best times dude. I tell you what.

Just Some Fun.

You Are Belle!

Intelligent and kind. Your beauty goes much further than your apperance. Also, you make judgements of people based on their personality and not their looks. Attaining all the knowledge that you can is one of your major goals in life, but you are also a person who can make things happen.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

A-Attached or Single?-Single.
B-Best Friend- You mean Friends? Jade-O, Kyenne, Tori-O, Aaron and Ryan.
C-Cake or Pie?- I like Cake.
D-Day of choice?- Twilight Tuesday!!
E-Essential item?- My cell phone...I think I woulda killed someone by now if I didn't have that to talk to people.
F-Favorite color?- Purple my homie.
G-Gummy bears or worms? Sour worms dude.
H-Hometown?- Born in Phx, but Payson will always be my home.
I-Favorite Indulgence? Reading.
J-January or July?- January alllllllllllll the way.
K-Kids?- None of my own.
L-Life isn't complete without?- My homies.
M-Marriage Date?-I'll let you know when that happens!!
N-Number of Bro & Sis?- 3 Brothers, 1 sister. That's of blood (cept Chris...But he's apart of out family now) Then there are all the other people I consider my siblings.
O-Oranges or Apples?- Green Apples,
P-Phobias and Fears?- Sharks...You have no idea.
Q-Quote?- Mostly from Twilight.
R-Reason to smile?- I don't have too many lately.
S-Season of choice?- Fall.
T-Tag Ten People?- Say what?
U-Unknown fact about me?- If it's an unknown fact...It's something I don't want people to know...I'm mostly an open book.
V-Vegetable?- Umm...Salad?
W-Worse habit?- Procrastination
X-X-Ray?-About three years ago on my foot.
Y-Your favorite food?- Orange Chicken, I can LIVE off of that stuff...As long as it's from Panda.
Z-Zodiac sign?- Sag

Time to Move On.

I know a lot of people like to believe that I've long since moved on from what happened. The truth is, I haven't. I haven't wanted to, I tried, but a part of me just wasn't ready to let go.

The other day though, while going through some old photos, and watching some videos...It dawned on me that what I was holding onto was something that was long gone. I was looking at the "happy" me in the pictures, with the "happy" him and thinking how things could never get better than that, because he was it for me...But it dawned on me, hit me like a ton of bricks if you will, how stupid that way of thinking is.

If things couldn't get better, if we were meant to be, no matter what was thrown our way we would have made it. We didn't though, and it doesn't matter who was at fault anymore, it doesn't matter because it's done with. It doesn't matter because the love that was there, though not dead, wasn't enough for what we needed. We both put up a damn good fight, and I think it's because we both truely do love one another but...I also think we're too broken to know how to fix the other. We don't trust people easily, and we had both broken the other's trust at one time, which only makes the struggles of living for someone harder.


I will always love him though, that is something I can not deny. I know now though, that just because you love someone, just because you want to do everything in your power to be better for them, and make them happy, doesn't mean you can.

I finally took down our picture album from myspace, and the little things that remind me of him are packed in a box now, not because I don't want to be reminded of him, or of us, or of that time in my life but because I want to keep them safe while I take the next step to where ever it is that life is taking me. I know so many thought that I was already moving on, and maybe that's because it's what I wanted them to think but like I said apart of me was still holding on, and maybe apart of me will never let go, the point is that life is now about the future, maybe he'll be apart of that some how, maybe he won't but I do know that it's mine to mold and be and do what I want. For me.

Back in Arizona.

So, I'm back. I don't like talking about it or getting into because well...It's my story to keep to myself. Those who need to know what happened do, and those who don't and think they do can bite me. It's as simple as that. Don't ask me about it, and don't ask me if I'm ok. What the hell do you think? I'm heart broken, I don't sleep well, and I hate myself...Hmmm....Would you be ok? I'm as best as I fucking can be so stop asking me damn it! Sorry but I am getting so sick of that question...The lowered voice and that doe eye look people give me like if they talk too loud or act like THEMSELVES I'm going to have a break down. How many of you have seen me cry? What three of you? Yeah, that's what I thought, I don't break down, I hold it in and let it eat away at my soul. Don't like how I deal with things? So sorry, I want to hate right now, I want to hurt because I want to REMEMBER to never let this happen again. Not be babied and treated like a child. I made my damn choice and I do not regret a damn moment of it. I love him. I don't regret that and I don't regret moving out there so just bite me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm sorry but I HAD to get that out.

Picture Time!!!

Yeah, I know...I post too many pictures of the baby but ladeda, she's the cutest thing and I don't care what you think!!!!

So these two are from the other day, she kept trying to draw on the desk and what not so I gave her some paper and she went to town. Hehe.

And these two are from the other day, I got my tax returns so Tommy and I had some shopping we needed to do, so while at Target we thought we might as well look at shoes because we HATE the ones her mother puts her in, we found the cutest pink ones that she loved so we bought them. Then Tommy lost his sun glasses the day before so we were looking at some for him, and I saw all the little kids ones they had, well just because I was bored I started putting some on her and she looks SO damn cute, plus she didn't want to take them off so I said "screw it" and just bought them. They were only 6 dollars and we both figure this way she'll leave my glasses alone. She is so good about them too, she's nice with them, doesn't try to bend them and loves to leave them on. Hehe. She's just the cutestest thing I swear.

And now some videos.

So the first one is just of Makayla dancing, and the second one is of Makayla at the dinner table, we had been trying to get her to say please but she started making rasberries, we found it funny and she kept doing it, that's when he pulled out his phone and started recording, well just before the video ran out she lets out a real fart and we about fell over laughing. Good times. Good times.

Babies, Work and Rent...Oh JOY!!

So I haven't posted in some time, but that's because so much has been going on that I've just been busy. However, I found out some news the other day that made me start to think and what not so let us talk about those thoughts.

First off. Babies. My cousin Steph who is 6 months younger then me is preggers. Let me just say WOW. Everyone, cept my Auntie and Uncle Amanda and Jed though I'd be the first, everyone knows how much I love kids and want one but I really think they're the only ones who thought I'd be smart enough to WAIT to have them. The reason I say WAIT is because it's family tradition to be knocked up well before being ready, in my family only two members have been married BEFORE the baby. The funny thing is those two...well...yeah are kinda the crazy sorta unstable ones of the family. Everyone else though was pregnant in high school, before high school or just after, cept my mom, she'd dropped out and got her GED but she was still 19 and my father was an asshole, cheated on her and left before she'd even reached her three month marker. I am in no way ready for a new baby. I want Tommy and I to be married, and both have good jobs, and have a place of our own before we even think about a mini us running around. None of those things are even close to happening. Sure we've talked about it, but are we ready for marriage? no, not even close. Our relationship is still...Well new I guess is what you'd say, we just moved in together a few months ago and though we've been dating for almost a year living together is a whole new thing. Besides, we have Makayla and she's more than enough to handle, plus I think she has a right to be an only child for awhile. Anyways though, Steph is preggers, and that got me thinking about how many people I know that are right now. My best friend Tori is 4 months along, my other friend Jessica is about the same, and then my other friend Ashley is about to pop. Tori, Ashley and I all went to school together and were in the same grade, and Jessica is only a few years older than me. It's all kind of shocking. I mentioned to my mom that I wanted a baby, just in passing and she kinda went off ha ha, reminding me I'm not ready and so on. Is is wrong though that I am kind of...Jealous of Steph....I know I shouldn't be but in a way I am.

Anyhow, onto work. I WANT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't got one yet and it sucks....That is all.


Well, the needing a job thing kind of ties in with the rent. When we first moved in the place seemed perfect for us and the lady we're renting from seemed really chill and nice but since moving in it's taken a whole 360 and things have become...Well awkward. I do like this place, the area is prefect for us, but Tommy and I thinking about moving. We found another lady renting out her spare room who I thought was awsome, she's a bit goth 23 (so MUCH closer to our age) and well we just got along. The room would only be 350 a month (where as we pay 500) and comes with everything we pay for right now. She's going to call us on Tuesday to let us know. It's a thought anyways, with money being tight it'd be nice to have a little less needing to be paid. We'll see though.

The Little Things That Bring You Joy!

This is Trace Micheal Austin. In this picture he is sucking his thumb. Who is he you ask? Well at this moment he is living in the belly of my best friend Tori Austin (She was married March 15th!!!!) I could not be more happy for her and Ryan, they've had a lot that they've had to over come in life but at the end of the day they've always loved one another and THEY MADE IT!!!!! This little guy will be joing the us near the end of Augest and Tommy and I will be there not too long after to give him and the rest of the happy family a big hello. Sorry, this makes me very happy. Tori and I have always wanted families of our own, we were born to be mothers, to be wifes and there were many times where we both thought that it would never happen (like when I lost Tommy, and she lost Ryan) but we all found our way back to one another and have found a way to make it work. I moved across the country to be with my guy and Tori is now married and a prego! Life is good. So that is my besties joy that I wanted to share with you all, now on to MY joy!!!!

Bet you though I was gonna say I was preggers too huh? No, not yet guys, trust me you'll know when I am.

No my joy are these two, my two joys. I love them both so much it's crazy, and here they are playing PS3 and looking way too cute for words.....Let me tell you all.....Life is GOOD!!!!!!